The In-between

Before my little man's diagnosis, being my third, it was clear that his mind worked differently from his 2 older brothers. He never babbled, he never played, he was extremely delayed in all milestones (he didn't walk until after age 2) and the thing that really worried me was he never seemed happy. I later learnt that the term for that in the neurodiverse world is "limited affect"

The only time he ever "played" wasn’t really playing in the way most people think. Instead of engaging in imaginative games or interacting with toys in a typical way, he would meticulously line things up, organising them with precise care. Sometimes, it was by size, but more often, it was by color. He’d spend hours sorting and arranging, completely absorbed in the patterns he was creating. But this wasn’t just a harmless quirk. If even one item was slightly out of place, or if the colours weren’t perfectly aligned, it would trigger a massive outburst. His frustration would be overwhelming, like the world was suddenly out of control for him, and nothing could calm him down until everything was "just right" again. It became less about playing and more about maintaining order in a way that seemed to bring him a sense of peace, but only if it was perfect.

I was constantly shut down by medical professionals, I was told things like he "was just a colicky baby would grow out of it", "he was just a lazy toddler" or that I was worrying too much. It took so much mental energy and work to find a doctor that finally believed me. I asked him to listen to my concerns, do a health check up and if everything was fine I would shut up. They found alot including physically.

This in-between time was excruciating both physically (he was still sleeping like a newborn up until 4) and mentally. My mind was in such a bad place. Trying to juggle my toddler, 2 older boys (trying to give them the attention they also deserved), working, managing a household and trying to find time to fill my own cup was impossible. COVID became a thing and life with no support was even more lonely.