The Juggling Act

One thing I’ve been grappling with lately is understanding the difference between my son’s learned behaviors and what might be part of his neurodiverse experience. As a parent, it’s a constant challenge to determine when he’s expressing himself in a way that reflects his neurodiversity, or if it’s something he’s picked up through behavior, environment, or the dynamics within our family.

To be honest, my son is the light of our lives. Me and his brothers absolutely adore him and, I’ll admit, we spoil him and let him get away with more than we probably should. He’s our world, and because of that, it can sometimes be hard to draw the line between setting healthy boundaries and making sure we’re supporting his unique needs in the most affirming way possible.

One example that comes to mind is his love of cars. And I don’t just mean he likes cars—he’s absolutely obsessed. He knows the make, model, engine type, and all the little details about them. Whether it’s drifting, burnouts, or even just the sound of a turbo engine, cars are his passion. So, when he comes across a video game or toy car he wants, he feels like he needs it right then and there. If I can’t make it happen immediately, he’ll have a full-blown meltdown. And here’s where my confusion sets in: Is this part of his neurodiverse way of processing things, or is this simply a common toddler tantrum because he’s not getting what he wants?

This leads me to another struggle—how do I help him become more tolerant when things don’t go his way? If it’s a learned behavior, I want to help him develop patience and resilience, but I also don’t want to be punitive. The word “punishment” feels especially uncomfortable when it comes to raising my neurodiverse child. I want to be supportive, not reactive, but I worry that correcting certain behaviors might not be as neuroaffirming as I’d like.

I find myself stuck in this cycle: I want to teach him that it’s okay not to get everything he wants in the moment, but I don’t want to overlook his neurodiversity by treating these moments like typical behavioral issues. I’m torn between guiding him through emotional regulation and wondering if I’m inadvertently being dismissive of how his brain works.

Ultimately, I think what I’m seeking is a balance. I want to be affirming of his neurodiversity while still helping him navigate the realities of life—where sometimes, things won’t always go his way. And I don’t want to undermine his emotions or experiences by assuming it’s always a behavioral issue. I guess, like many parents, I’m learning as I go.

If anyone else has navigated these kinds of questions or feelings, I’d love to hear your thoughts. How do you balance being neuroaffirming while also setting boundaries for learned behaviors?